K: It’s difficult to know where to start today. I feel like there’s lots of change happening in my life but nothing has actually changed.

R: Ditto. Seismic shifts underneath yet on the surface everything seems to be normal.

K: I was discussing with a friend the other day how I thought by now my life would be sorted but have now realised things never are set. And actually I think that’s a good thing… although a little scary.

R: I had a small epiphany in the geology dept of the Natural History Museum…. Change is inevitable was the abiding theme it’s just getting one’s head around it.

K: We are being very mysterious which I’ve noticed makes our lives seem far more interesting than the mundane reality.

R: Speak for yourself….Shouldn’t we be competing over who has the most change.

K: Let’s wait and see what happens

R: oooh

K: New year, new living arrangements. I have been having a clear out to create space for FB who is moving in. R is full of domestic advice.

R: I don’t see it as advice more the golden rules of domestic bliss. Rule No 1: Do not, under any circumstances, establish a scenario where you do the chores to make him feel more at home. You will live long to regret it….unless of course you are looking to be an unwaged domestic help.

K: That’s never been on my list of things to do. I may be being naïve but he looks quite housetrained to me. I have already issued a demand that he learn to cook, is this enough oh wise one?

R: Golden Rule No 2: Avail yourself of a recipe he doesn’t really like, reproduce add infinitum and he’ll soon learn to cook.

K: I can see you are talking from a position of experience what did you wear G down with?

R: The baked potato.

K: How many potatoes did it take before he took it upon himself to do the cooking?

R: It’s a long time ago but weeks were involved.

K: Any more pearls of wisdom?

R: No that’s it good luck.

K:  Bizarrely I had a brilliant year in my love life and the worst year in my work life.

R: You were obviously putting a lot more energy into one rather than the other, fair comment?

K: (Very sullen) Suppose so. Are you saying I must try harder at work this year?

R: No, I just think you fell in love with something much more important than work.

K: What about your 2007?

R: Not brilliant. A year of persistence pays eventually, poorly loved ones and minor breakthroughs, I’m hoping for a better 2008 to be honest. And I’m feeling optimistic because I’ve cruised every astrology site going and it’s all brilliant for me. 

K: have you made any resolutions?

R: Yes. the same as last year. Lose weight, how incredibly dull, take up physical excercise, ditto and make a short film slightly more interesting. What about you?

K: Giving up drinking, boring and unachievable, and stop getting frustrated by other people, also boring and almost impossible.

R: We can compete on the tedium of our new years resolutions.

K: I think you’ve won that one. 

K: This weekend was a biggie with FB meeting my family and friends back home for the first time, cue lots of nail biting on my part.

B: How did it go?

K: I realise that I am no judge at these sort of things, they’re too polite to say anything bad to my face, my friends and family like to wait til the death throes of a relationship then point out what they thought all along which is usually and annoyingly right.

B: I imagine there is a sigh of relief that K has managed to find (this is a massive  compliment)  a “normal” boyfriend.

K: This is a recurring theme – apparently most of my exes have been complete freaks…. So people tell me, but again only once they’ve become exes. Can you remember when G first met your parents?

B: (huge sigh) It’s too long ago and too long a story.  K’s nail biting has nothing on this…

K: Well they still speak so it can’t have been that bad.

R: My mother is a very accepting person. Put it this way if E turns up with a G at 19 years of age there will be fireworks.

K: Well there’s something to look forward to.

R: I don’t know, presumably one scuffs the Manolo’s and throws them to the poor people, then off to West Ken to purchase a shiny new pair. Where as in Thrift county every other shop has a cobblers on the side. 

K: You may mock but I grew up in a village that had a post office, a shop, a chippy,  a cobblers and of course a pub. Now I live in the big Metropolis it’s impossible to find any useful establishments for things like buying paint or sharpening knives. And they’re not Manolos they’re Primark, it will cost me more to re heel them then they did to buy brand new but I’m on a mission… 

R: I think you’ve hit on it, why make do when there’s a poor Chinese child going blind in a sweatshop on our behalf. I’ve never had a knife sharpened although I do remember my granddad sharpening his on a stone step…I like the idea of K making a Yorkshire nuisance of her self in Soho, sharpening her knives on the kerbs, whilst polishing steps with her jay cloth and complaining loudly about the lack of appropriate hardware. 

K: would I be wearing a flowery apron with a scarf and curlers in my hair? 

R: Let’s not disappoint our many readers.

K: Being out of work does have it’s bad points. This week Iburst into tears in the pub where I was comforted by my ex boyfriend with the classic line – “At least you’ve still got both your arms.”  Is this the worst attempt at making someone feel better ever?

R: As platitudes go it’s up there with “Cheer up it might never happen”.  Which I have had randomly shouted at me by a builder. Oh how I dreamed of for a witty response instead I looked confused and mumbled.

You’ve got to walk round with a permanent smile on your face so people don’t think you’re depressed… Bursting into tears is a bit of a give away. Is it possible to cry with a smile on your face?

K: Yes I actually did ended up crying with a smile on my face when my ex made the above comment. It made me realise that yes being out of work is better than having your arms chopped off but more importantly as my ex boyfriend I am no longer relying on him for emotional support.

R: Your situation puts me in mind of daft as a brush Gillian Gibbons, not only was she out of work but she was also under threat of having her arms chopped off.

Cheer up it might never happen.

R: In the true spirit of a competitive Christmas how organised are you?

K: I’m just off out to do my first round of shopping today and I am in a present buying nightmare. Not only do I have to buy a first Christmas present for FB but to make matters worse his birthday is just after the festive season so I have 2 things to buy, no money and even less ideas.

R: You’re looking at a socks and handkerchief scenario. Only your first shopping day you say….

K: Yes but I have it perfectly planned and have already scoped everything out online. I don’t like wasting time looking in shops like some people…

R: Just asking cos I’m more or less wrapped and ready to go to Santa.

K:  Oh God. Is the tree up yet?

R: There’s only one hiccup –  the living room is being re plastered, re decorated and floor sanded in a chronic bit of bad timing so the tree won’t be up til later, which I think is more appropriate….that’s what I’m telling everybody.

K: It’s unlike you to show such restraint. Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for the hype, I find it weird that people feel the need to redecorate and buy new sofas just for Christmas Day.

R: It’s been a year long hype and is more to do with labour force availability than Christmas believe me. Is your flat Christmassy?

K: No because I can’t be arsed….

R: The spirit of scrooge is alive and well then.

K: He will be this afternoon when I’m tramping down the hell that is Oxford Street trying not to scream at  or physically attack  other shoppers. I’m already getting annoyed thinking about it.

R: Bah Humbug.

K:  I am the same I find myself a little panicked if I don’t have a task or goal to achieve, what a lot of people think of as luxury fills me with dread.

R: Luxuries such as?

K: Watching daytime tv, even though I’m off work I never switch the tv on before six.

R: We are in compelete equanimity re the tv. Because E likes to watch it in the morning, I will quite often sit in another room with the radio on because I just can’t bear it. The only exception being rainy sunday afternoon’s which are movie time. I too am a task orientated soul and have to fill up the giant empty chasm in my psyche with something or I risk oblivion.

K: So now we are competing to see who is the worse at relaxing.

R: I’m so uptight, that even on this my first day off in six weeks I’m already on task five and have another three things planned in the next hour so we better finish this post. 

K: Maybe we should make relaxing one of our tasks. Then we could feel we’ve achieved something by doing nothing.

R: Genius.

K: I’m not sure how grumpy I am but you must be pretty bad if G has taken to cutting articles out for you. Did it give any tips on how to handle a grumpy 30 year old woman?

R: It suggested trying to get your grumpiness into one week as opposed to spreading it thinly across the whole of the month.

K: That actually sounds like quite good fun. Unfortunately I have no control over my own grumpiness and when I am grumpy I’d the worst thing anyone could do would be to tell me it was the wrong week

R: My point exactly spread it thinly across all four.

K: So is grumpiness another sign of old age I have to worry about on top of facial lines and grey hairs?

R: Facial hairs and grey a lines?

K: Not quite there yet, but when I do start growing a beard and wearing grey a line skirts I will be very grumpy.

R: And I expect your husband will be too.